10 THINGS YOU CAN COUNT ON MICROSOFT NOT ANNOUNCING TOMORROW
Plenty of people have made predictions about what will be revealed at Microsoft’s event on May 21—always on connection, mandatory installs, super-hyper-Kinect, a new name—-and frankly we’re tired of hearing it because nobody knows for sure.
So, we’ve put together a list of 10 things you can count on Microsoft not revealing/announcing tomorrow:
- Xbox Infinity + Comcast = Xfinity!
The name speaks for itself but you can be sure that Microsoft won’t announce an Xbox that is also a Comcast cable box with DVR abilities built in. No way. That sounds like an AWFULly good idea.
- EA not working on any games for Next Xbox
With the recent announcement of EA giving up on the Wii U, wouldn’t it also make sense for them to decide not make games for the Next Xbox? It’s all part of their longterm strategy to stop pissing off gamers.
- New Xbox will be using Sony’s PS3 Cell Processor
In an effort to “one-up” the competition, Microsoft will use the PlayStation 3’s cell processor to offer PS3 backwards compatibility. Of course, it means the rumors were true, and the next Xbox wouldn’t be backwards compatible with Xbox 360 games. Curses! The nerds were right!
- Microsoft and Pizza Hut Announce Bigger Partnership
Similar to the all-in-one breakfast maker that has been blowing up Pinterest, Microsoft unveils a new console capable of baking pizza and playing games! Red ring of death? More like red ring of yum!
- Next Xbox Goes Green
Tired of being known as an “energy vampire,” Microsoft’s new console is wired to run on positive feelings and emotions. Warning: console may abruptly shut off while playing any game starring Superman or involving Raccoon City.
- Microsoft Partners With Steam
We’ve heard plenty of rumors about “steam boxes” in development and Microsoft clears it up by announcing that the Next Xbox is really a steam box that will ship with Windows 8 as the OS and have Steam built right in.
- Exclusive Always Off Next Gen Technology
It was rumored for months about “Always On” but we got it wrong like a bad game of Telephone. The next Xbox will feature the most energy efficient power system ever by not even turning on.
- Next Gen Games = Kinect 1.21 Gigawatts!
With the Kinect, players were turned into the controllers. Why stop there? This next gen we’ll make the games too! Xbox Games will be user generated titles fueled by the imagination of gamers like the Dreamatorium. By turning the mirror onto ourselves surely there’s no way we’ll complain about poor graphics, missed deadlines and bad storylines.
- Microsoft Commits to Finding Whalers On The Moon
Where Sony used PS3s for cancer research, Microsoft has committed to using the Next Xbox to find the oft-rumored Whalers On The Moon.
- Pretty much everything in this video.
XBL image courtesy of the fantastically talented Cory Schmitz.